Matt’s Story

I had a happy childhood for the most part, but I also had my share of troubles. I grew up in a small, conservative Georgia town, where I lived with constant fear and disappointment in myself and oftentimes with God. I didn’t understand what or who I really was throughout my childhood. I knew I was different but not sure how or why, and I couldn’t talk to anyone out of fear of judgment or ridicule. I couldn’t discuss it with my family out of fear of rejection. 

I compensated by trying to be the best kid I could be. I worked hard to find acceptance, and I would sacrifice almost anything for it. So like most gay kids who grew up in small towns around intolerance, I learned to put on a mask and wake up every day asking myself the same question – what does the world want me to be today? And like many, I started down the road of trying to please people…trying to be accepted…ultimately trying to be LOVED. 

Fear of Rejection Turns into Spiraling Out of Control

My adult life was very much like my childhood. I made a lot of mistakes and poor choices. Many of those were made as a result of my conquest to fit in, to find acceptance, and to be who I was supposed to be. I can’t remember a time when I was ever really in control of my life. 

I started drinking when I was a teenager with one of my neighborhood friends. It was rare for me to ever say no to anyone because when you are searching for love, understanding, and acceptance, you don’t say no out of fear of rejection. So I drank and partied throughout my teenage years. Then, I started using cocaine in my mid-20s – searching for love, searching for answers, and still pretending to be someone I wasn’t to the world. 

A Career in the Church

Ironically, I settled on a career in church music. The one card that I could play in the hand of life that I was dealt was that I was musically gifted. I can’t remember a time in my life when I wasn’t on the piano bench. I had been playing for church choirs and was involved in church music from as far back as I can remember. The only problem was that by this time, I had developed a fondness for cocaine. So I continued living a full-blown double life: church musician by day and cocaine addict by night. 

I was fired from two full-time ministry jobs because of very poor choices. I refused to admit that I had a problem. Looking back, I feel like if I would have just been honest and let them know that I had a problem, we could have worked together to get me some help. But pride is a powerful thing, and I didn’t want to admit failure. 

Hitting Rock Bottom

After I was terminated from my second full-time church ministry job, I was introduced to methamphetamine. Not surprisingly, my life took an even deeper nose-dive. I felt so much shame and disappointment, that I eventually wound up living in my car, driving from town to town, stealing food, gas, clothes, money and whatever else was needed to survive. Those choices eventually led me to encounters with the police and ultimately to jail. Rock bottom. Defeated. I was in jail before I came to The Potter’s House – broken and alone. My biggest fear had become a reality. 

The judge ordered me to complete a drug recovery program. Some family members contacted my parents with information regarding The Potter’s House. I applied, interviewed, and was accepted into the program. That was one of the happiest days of my life, looking back. I was desperate to get out of jail and get my life together, and this was the only way it was going to happen.

A Turning Point in Life

I was scared and had no idea what to expect at The Potter’s House. I had never been to rehab before. At this point in my life, I was so empty. Nothing had worked out to this point. Sure, I had some successes, and there were things I had accomplished that I was proud of, but nothing seemed authentic because much of it was done under a cloud of drugs and dishonest behavior. Even though I was scared when I arrived, I knew this was an opportunity for a change…a reboot….a rebirth! And I wanted it to be real and honest and without fear. I wanted a change and I was glad to finally be somewhere away from the world where it could happen.

Everything changed for me at The Potter’s House. My mindset, my goals, who I spent my time with, and how I wanted to live my life moving forward.

Starting Over

My recovery program was absolutely necessary, and it changed my life. However, there was a great deal of anxiety and fear that came at the end when it was time to leave the bubble and re-enter the world. When you have to start your life over at 42 years old, it’s scary. However, Matthew 14:28-29 tells us: “And Peter answered Him, Lord, if it is You, command me to come to You on the water. He said, Come! So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water.” 

When I left The Potter’s House, I did not have a family or a home to return to. BUT – I had to get out of the boat and walk on the water. I had to have faith that He would provide. And He has. My work family, my church family, my recovery family, my chosen family, and my Mom, all lifted me up and helped me out of that boat. And so far, I haven’t sunk! 

COVID-19 Challenges

Soon after I moved out of The Potter’s House and into my own place, the nation went on lockdown due to Covid-19. One of my biggest fears is being alone, and I had to spend a lot of time with myself – alone. That can be challenging. I learned to fill my mind with good, positive thoughts first thing in the morning. I learned to tell myself, “you are going to be fine” – much like a mother would speak to her child. I learned if you are a good mother to your mind, teach it good, positive thoughts so that when you tell it to sit down quietly, it will.

Seeing a Future

Before I came to Atlanta Mission, my relationship with myself was toxic. I didn’t love myself. I hated who I was, and I never could quite find my place in the world. During the program, I came to realize that I was a child of God and “me being me” wasn’t as bad as I thought. 

After leaving, I had much more love for myself and was able to start seeing a future for myself. When we love God and heal the relationship we have with ourselves, all of the other relationships will fall into place. We embrace those who enrich our lives, and we leave behind those that hinder us.  

What Life Looks Like Today

Today, I serve a small Methodist church in a part-time capacity. I also started working at a local flower shop here in Athens after I completed my recovery program and found that I have a gift for designing flowers. I want to use my creative abilities to create a beautiful life for myself. 

I start every day with a cup of coffee in one hand and a devotional in the other. I never knew the impact of some quiet time every morning until it became part of my daily routine at The Potter’s House. I talk to God every morning, and I spend the rest of the day hoping that I am able to hear from Him. God speaks to me through the wonderful people I am privileged to call friends (my chosen family), my church family, my pastor and His word. God is my refuge, my strength, and my hope. I am so thankful I am able to hear him now more than ever. All I had to do was learn to listen.

I am thankful for Atlanta Mission. The time I spent at The Potter’s House changed my life – like it does for so many. 

Addicts are people in pain. I certainly was. Atlanta Mission allowed me to cultivate a deeper relationship with God and with myself. It literally taught me to love myself. That’s powerful, life-changing, and a testament to what any of us can do when learning to let go of expectations and doubt and embrace love and confidence.